To the Mother I Lost to Drug Addiction

Through any and every struggle I have faced, there will always be one to which there is no resolve; one that haunts me every single day and will always be a faint image in the back of my mind; loving an addict. Loving an addict will consume your every thought and leave you mentally and physically exhausted. It will drain you of any faith you once had and leave you searching recklessly for the person you were before. All the while you are searching for the person that the addiction has taken from you.

Mom, I’m sorry I never return your calls. It’s not that I don’t want to hear your voice, but I’ve found that it’s easier to not hear it at all. I feel the disappointment flooding your eyes when you’ve decided to try and be better, but I’m not here to be your shoulder to lean on. As much as it hurts, I can’t bare my own disappointment when you lose sight of your goal, and give in to your addiction a week later.

I’m sorry for looking through your bags. No matter how much I would like to trust you, I know too well that I have every reason not to. Sometimes I feel as though I need the reassurance that I am not the one going crazy. When I find that physical evidence it helps me come to terms with the fact that things aren’t going to change.

I’m sorry that you will always be the one to blame. The instant I find one thing out of place, you are the one I look to as an answer. I’m sorry if I’ve ever been wrong. After so many stolen pieces of my childhood, I can only go so long before always assuming it was you.

Why was I never important enough? While I’ve grown to understand the effects of addiction I will never understand what led a mother of two to try cocaine. I will never forgive you for choosing it over me, because when you chose drugs, you were not an addict. You were my mommy.

Where did you go? Where were you on those endless nights when I stayed up waiting for you to come home? Why didn’t you care that I was left all alone? No amount of apologies will ever make up for the sleepless nights and tear stained pillows.

I hope that one day I’ll see you again. Every night I pray that you will gain the strength to find yourself again, without me there. If time can heal us both, I trust that when I see you again we can mend the hurt you have caused, and rebuild the relationship I've missed.

To the addict who destroyed my ideals of family- Please bring my mother back.